She Spent 14 Years Married to a Man. Then She Came Out and Reconnected with Her Long-Lost Love

Amanda Smith came out as gay when she was 19, breaking away from her conservative Mormon upbringing and finding freedom in her identity.

Soon after, she met Jessica Gelting, a woman who left a lasting imprint on her heart. However, fear and the desire for acceptance led Smith to suppress her truth and leave her past behind.

So, she married a nice man and started a family in Southern California. But after 14 years of marriage and three children, Smith finally found the courage to come out (again) and live her life authentically – all while rekindling a long-lost flame along the way.

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During a short time frame between 2006 and 2008, Smith lived openly, she dated women, distanced herself from the church, and met Gelting. Though they weren’t exclusive, their connection was unlike anything she’d felt before.

“Honestly, I think I knew that if I fully gave myself to her, I’d never go back,” Smith tells PEOPLE exclusively. “But I also knew I wasn’t ready to lose my family, my community, or what little stability I had left. So I kept a wall up. I didn’t let myself fall all the way in.”

Eventually, Smith chose to conceal her sexual identity, as it felt like the safer option. After moving from Minnesota to Utah for a fresh start, she stopped sharing that she was gay, telling herself that it had just been a phase.

“That’s when I met Dan through a family friend. He was the first man I had ever met who I truly felt like, ‘Okay, I could maybe do this,’” Smith recalls after moving back to Minnesota in 2009.

“We got along incredibly well. He was kind, funny, and stable. And I really loved the life we were building together,” she says. “I think I was hoping that would be enough. That if I tried hard enough, I could make this version of life work.”

However, very early in the marriage, after moving to Rancho Mission Viejo, Calif., with Dan, she realized that it hadn’t been a phase. She was, in fact, gay, and there were moments when Smith felt like she was living a lie.

Yet church leaders kept telling her that “the closer she got to Jesus, the easier it would become.”

“It was a spiritual version of ‘pray the gay away,’ and I believed them because I was desperate for it to work,” she admits.

Nevertheless, Smith decided to tell her husband the truth a few years into their marriage, and the pair decided to stay together as a mixed-orientation couple.

“We had three beautiful children. We had a peaceful, functional life, and in many ways, a strong partnership,” she shares. “But deep down, I always knew something wasn’t whole.”

At many points during her marriage, Smith questioned whether she should ask for a divorce – “not because our marriage was broken, but because it wasn’t honest.” But after her daughter was diagnosed with cancer in July 2019, she decided it wasn’t time to draw attention to herself.

“My entire identity went back on the shelf,” Smith shares. “Everything became about keeping her alive.” For years, she carried the quiet weight of knowing she was gay while trying to hold her family together and be everything they needed.

It wasn’t until her daughter became healthier and life started to settle that she allowed herself to feel again. Smith loved her family and cared deeply for Dan, but knew the situation wasn’t fair to either of them.

“He’s an incredible person – a kind, loyal, deeply good man. I care for him so much, and we built a beautiful life together,” she explains. “But what I realized is that I couldn’t love him the way he deserved to be loved. And I couldn’t receive love the way I deserved either.”

She had buried the truth so deeply, she nearly convinced herself it could stay hidden. But eventually she realized she couldn’t go on much longer.

In 2022, at the age of 35, Smith came out publicly, for a second time, making friends and family aware that she and Dan were still working on their marriage.

Smith started practicing yoga and began going to therapy, not just to cope, but to understand whether the life she was living could truly be sustained. “Before I could rediscover who I really was, I had to grieve the version of me I had worked so hard to become – because she was never real to begin with,” she tells PEOPLE.

In February 2023, Smith traveled to Bali alone for her first yoga teacher training, and something within her began to shift. It was during her second solo trip in October that the truth fully settled in.

One of the most pivotal moments came on her flight home. Smith was listening to Untamed by Glennon Doyle, who spoke about staying in her marriage for her daughter, asking, “Would I want this kind of marriage for my daughter?” The question hit the mother of three like lightning.

“I adore my children. I want them to be free. I want them to live openly and fully, to feel proud of who they are,” Smith explains. “And I knew in that moment: If one of my kids were gay, would I want them to hide it for a lifetime? Would I want them to shrink to stay safe? Absolutely not.”

She and Dan even tried couples therapy to ensure they had tried everything to save their marriage, but after Smith’s third trip to Bali in March 2024, she came home certain: it was time to let each other go. That same year, Smith and Dan filed for divorce.

“I had been telling myself for so long that staying in my marriage was better than being alone. But out there, in that stillness, I realized: I would rather be alone in truth than partnered in pretense,” Smith reveals.

“I wasn’t leaving because I had stopped trying. I was leaving because, after everything, I had finally told the truth – and I was ready to live it.”

When she went back into the closet all those years ago, Smith cut ties with most people from that chapter of her life, including Gelting, so that she could start over.

Still, they stayed loosely connected through Facebook and Instagram. She was aware that Gelting had married a woman and had two kids. When her own daughter was in cancer treatment, Gelting reached out in a kind and respectful manner.

Before making the decision to divorce, Smith reached out to Gelting to apologize. “I told her I had cared about her more than I let on. That I was gay,” Smith explained. “She messaged back and told me she was going through a divorce. It felt strange and cosmic – like we were still circling each other – but then we lost touch again.”

@amandalynnsmith_ Spoiler alert: She’s no longer the one that got away. @Jess Gelting #wlw #wuhluhwuh #wlwcouple #ldr #longdistancerelationship #lgbt #fyp #wlwrelationship ♬ This Love (Taylor’s Version) – Taylor Swift

However, the stars aligned in July 2024, after Smith found herself back in Minnesota. Although she hadn’t visited home in over a decade, she was aware that Gelting still lived there.

“We started texting more that week. Then the day before I flew home, she came up to see me. We sat together for a couple of hours and talked,” Smith recalls. “It wasn’t romantic, not yet – but it was honest. Raw. And we both left that day knowing something was still there.”

As they reconnected, they began to unpack their years apart – quiet jealousy, unspoken what-ifs, and lingering feelings. Smith had always sensed her life wasn’t as settled as it seemed. And she admitted it was true – seeing Gelting with someone else had hurt, not out of resentment, but because the feelings had never fully left.

They kept texting, and it quickly became clear the feelings hadn’t faded. Both tried to be practical, as neither wanted long distance or something serious. But eventually, they admitted they had to try.

While living apart is hard, the pair still finds small ways to stay close, despite the long distance between them.

“All these years later, we found our way back to each other. And it was like my whole nervous system exhaled,” Smith says. “That pull was still there – but now, it had history. It had depth. And more than anything, it had truth.”

Although the 38-year-old now lives in Southern California, their matching custody schedules make it easy to visit each other most alternate weekends. Gelting, 37, has slowly started to make her house feel like a home, purchasing some of Smith’s favorite things and kitchen tools for when they’re together.

With Gelting, Smith feels deeply seen and loved without conditions. It feels less like earning love and more like coming home.

“What’s different about this love is that it’s not based on who we’re trying to be – it’s based on who we really are,” Smith tells PEOPLE. “We see each other fully. There’s no performance. No mask. No shrinking or bending to fit a mold. Just this deep, sacred acceptance.”

What makes it all the more powerful is that neither of them was searching for a relationship; they were simply guided back to each other at a time when they both needed it.

“We chose each other because it felt like the most natural, most true thing we could do. And every time I try to put it into words, I fall short – because it’s not just about love,” Smith shares. “It’s about freedom. It’s about finally being allowed to be fully alive and fully loved at the same time.”

July 2025 marks their first anniversary. One of their most cherished memories has been watching their kids connect, whether it be on FaceTime or in person, almost like a quiet affirmation that what they’re building is real.

“One of the biggest misconceptions I’ve encountered is the idea that coming out later in life is selfish. That I should’ve ‘figured it out’ sooner,” Smith says. “That I wasn’t being fair to my ex-husband, or to my kids. That I somehow misled everyone.”

“But what people don’t always understand is the culture I – and so many others – grew up in. When you’re raised in a high-demand religion or a deeply conservative community, there’s not just shame around being gay – there’s complete invisibility,” she adds.

With Gelting, however, Smith feels naturally at ease. Completely present and grounded.

“I didn’t know I could love like this. I honestly thought I was broken,” she says. “That something in me was just wired wrong when it came to love. I had convinced myself I just wasn’t capable of feeling that ‘head over heels’ kind of thing.”

“But with her, it’s not just head over heels. It’s soul over skin. It’s safe and electric at the same time. It’s knowing that I don’t have to be anything other than myself, and still being loved completely.”

Despite how long it took for her to finally live as her authentic self, Smith acknowledges that her marriage — and her divorce — taught her a number of valuable lessons.

She and her ex-husband still have family dinners, shared birthday celebrations, board game nights and family trips with the kids. When Smith moved out, he was there, packing boxes, building beds, and making sure everything was okay.

The pair is dedicated to co-parenting and still talk daily about the kids, but also about life. Their love didn’t end, it just changed shape.

“I think that’s made a huge difference for our kids. Divorce is hard, no matter how you do it,” Smith says. “Their lives look different now. Different from what they expected, different from what their friends might experience.”

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“But what they do know is that they are loved. Fully. That they have two parents who don’t speak badly about each other, who show up side by side, and who put their needs above our own discomfort or pride.”

Most notably, the journey taught Smith that peace and joy come from within, which is what she aims to teach to her children — that choosing yourself is the first brave step toward a life that truly matters.

“It’s taught me to listen to myself. To trust my inner voice – not the one shaped by religion, or family expectations, or societal norms – but the one that had always been quietly whispering the truth beneath the noise,” she adds.